


in other words, i love you

by grey_0_green



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Banana Fish Reverse Big Bang, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Canon Fix-It, ash is a bitch, but don't worry it gets better, dirty shoes, our boys are in COLLEGE !!, shdjs you'll see, they're all alive pls don't worry, they're just boys in love pls, they're kinda stupid though, wbk though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-05-16 01:28:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19307872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grey_0_green/pseuds/grey_0_green
Summary: Eiji is sick of two very specific things about Ash - one: the way he sits on the couch while he's reading, and two: the way he shamelessly flirts with him without making any real advance on their relationship status. And Eiji is going to do something about both of these things.





	in other words, i love you

**Author's Note:**

> hello ! this is my contribution to the banana fish rbb - the fic is based off the gorgeous art that was done by the wonderful xilo hrdz, who you can find on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/xilohrdz/), [tumblr](https://shiloriin.tumblr.com/), or [twitter](twitter.com/xilohrdz) ( to give them some love bc !!! holy fuck they are so wonderful and their art is so gorgeous ) !! i owe them a huge thank you bc they have honestly been so sweet and encouraging throughout the whole process and they've given me so many wonderful ideas as i was writing !! i'm super grateful for the opportunity to be able to collaborate with them and take part in this !!! i hope you enjoy uwu

Ash is very, very beautiful, Eiji thinks.

He has hair that shines bright and skin that glows even brighter, and his cheeks turn a very pretty shade of pink when he gets embarrassed. Ash gets embarrassed very easily, he has noticed, at the small things - sometimes it’s at the way Eiji smiles at him when he comes back to their dorm, long after the sun has set, after the sky has faded to just a shade darker than the circles under Ash’s eyes.

Sometimes it’s at the way Eiji laughs after Ash says something funny, and Eiji thinks he likes that pink the best - not as dark red as usual, but something that looks like pink peaches, and his mouth hangs open, like he is surprised that he laughed.

And sometimes it’s at the way Eiji shoves Ash’s feet off of the loveseat in their dorm - because, you see, he doesn’t take off his shoes straight away after walking into their dorm, and there are things on his shoes that really should not be on a chair. Especially one that Eiji would also like to use, occasionally, if Ash wasn’t always studying on it. However, Ash never seems to take note of any of these criticisms, and he continues to press his filthy, dirt-covered Converse all over the nice red cushion. Which, he has reminded Ash many, many times, does not even belong to them.

Ash is very, very beautiful, Eiji thinks, and he feels something that makes his heart beat very loud when he looks at Ash.

But it’s hard to remember that when he’s sticking his disgusting shoes all over the loveseat.

“Ash,” Eiji says, and there’s an edge of warning in his voice.

“Yes, darling?” Ash replies, his voice high and sing-songy, eyes wide and innocent, like he really doesn’t know what Eiji is about to say.

Eiji glares. “I have told you many times to take off your shoes when you come in. I have also told you many, many times to not put your shoes all over the chair.”

“Have you? I don’t remember any of those times at all,” Ash says, eyes getting bigger.

Eiji glares harder. “You have selective memory. Take off your shoes, you stupid American. You are getting it dirty!”

“Eiji,” Ash says, and then his eyes turn from wide and innocent to something that makes Eiji’s skin feel a little bit tight, something teasing and something that makes them sparkle. “If you wanted to see my feet so badly, you could have just asked."

Eiji splutters, outraged. “It is not your feet I am wanting to see! I am wanting to see a clean chair and your shoes at the door!” To his embarrassment, he feels his own cheeks starting to heat up.

“Sure, sweetie.” Ash, who has always liked to push the limits, even goes so far as to wink at him, and Eiji is really getting very annoyed, because it isn’t easy to glare at someone when your face feels like it's on fire.

Eiji goes back to his bed to lay down with a huff, and when Eiji lifts his head to look at him, Ash is tugging the shoes off his feet. “Don’t pout, _onii-chan_. See, I’m taking my shoes off now.” The second shoe is pulled off his foot and falls to the floor (the _carpeted_ floor, Eiji thinks with a grimace), and in one swift movement he grabs hold of both shoes and flings them to the corner of the room.

They hit the (white) wall with an almost sickening thud, and Eiji really hopes that the marks he sees on the wall aren’t as dark as they look, because he really doesn't want to have to make Ash clean it up.

“Happy now?” Ash asks with an infuriatingly smug smirk, and Eiji fumes.

“You know I am not even a little bit happy,” Eiji grumbles, letting his head drop back onto his pillow.

“Aren’t you glad you asked to be put in the same dorm together?”

“Yes,” Eiji says, curling his upper lip. “This way, I can teach you to not be so messy all of the time.”

Ash’s eyes suddenly go wide again. “I’m glad you’re here to teach me, _senpai_.”

He scowls at Ash, and he's still cringing at the scuff marks on the wall, but he feels a little bit softer, now.

 _Me too_ , Eiji thinks. _I am glad I am here, too._

 

❀

 

Eiji came back to New York two months after he returned to Japan. It was nice to be back for a while, but he thinks that it didn’t really feel like home. Somewhere along the way, he thinks, what exactly he thought of as home had changed, and it had felt strange, just a little bit odd. Like his soul was displaced.

His soul was with Ash. And so, after two months in Japan, he followed it back home.

Ash was in a different apartment when he found him. He was wearing glasses and a bathrobe, and he looked lost. Wistful, for a moment, before he realised that Eiji was the person standing on the other side of the door.

That is how Eiji remembers him. A forlorn silhouette in robes and a pair of silver glasses. A moment captured, before his face had lit up so brightly Eiji had felt himself mirror it.

 _Why didn’t you come to Japan with me?_ Eiji once asked, in the dark, on their balcony.

 _I couldn’t,_ Ash had said, and then Eiji found out that Ash had been stabbed.

He felt horror, mostly. He was horrified. Ash had been in the hospital.

No one had told him.

He held Ash close, that night, and he thinks that it might have been the first time he had ever held Ash like this so selfishly - not to comfort Ash, but to comfort himself.

Like an anchor. Ash was still here. He was real.

It had all seemed so much like a dream, until then.

They lived together for a few months, co-existing in the sticky-sweet heat of summer. Eiji would tread carefully around Ash, touching only when granted permission, feeling the breeze on his sweat-slicked skin and stealing glances at the faint flush of pink that seemed to always be high on Ash’s cheeks.

Ash’s soul felt heavy, he thinks. Eiji wanted to try to take the weight away.

In September, Ash enrolled both of them in NYU. It was Eiji’s idea, and Ash resisted, at first, but Eiji could tell he wasn’t really very against it - he thinks that Ash perhaps just wasn’t used to the idea, at first. Eiji thought it would be nice, however, to live like normal students, to get away from everything that made Ash hurt. He thought Ash knew this, too.

And so, in September, Ash and Eiji begin their first semester as college students. Shorter, of course, is invited to join them, but he decides not to this time - Nadia had just had her baby, and she wasn’t able to manage Chang Dai all by herself.

(Shorter turns out to be a wonderful chef, which Ash is very surprised about.)

Ash and Eiji settle into the routine of college life, and the first year goes by very quickly - it’s a year of whining, sleep deprivation, late nights studying together, Ash’s emerging addiction to coffee, and red, dirty Converse on furniture (that isn’t theirs).

The next year, Shorter decides to come join them - Shorter, who still smells like chow mein and fried rice; Shorter, who, Eiji thinks, doesn’t really know what he’s doing at all. Eiji thinks that he doesn’t _really_ want to get a degree, or a good job - he has a small suspicion that Shorter just wants to be closer to them.

(Which neither of them really mind at all.)

And, to the delight of very few, so does Yau Si. He is planning to major in business, which does not surprise Eiji, or anyone, really.

Sing had decided to try going to high school, once he had heard about Eiji and Ash starting college. He had been so behind that the administration had tried to put him back a few grades, but Sing had been so angry about it that they had decided to just leave him with other kids his age. They soon found out that Sing learned very quickly, and although he didn’t always get very high scores, he was sharp and was always able to follow the lessons.

He is in his final year, now, and even though he is busy a lot with school or studying, he can always find time to visit Eiji, Ash, Shorter, and Yau Si.

Eiji, Ash, and Shorter have all begun to establish some kind friendship (or tense acquaintanceship, in Ash's case) with Yau Si, although some of them seem to be doing a little bit better than others.

Eiji and Yau Si have spent nights in his apartment, watching movies and their tears drip into the popcorn. Shorter will sometimes come over to join them, armed with Chinese food and a blinding grin. Ash, however, will knock reluctantly, call Yau Si a bitch, and scoop out a handful of tear-soaked popcorn before settling in between Eiji and Yau Si, as close to Eiji as he can get and as far away from Yau Si as he can manage.

(Eiji does not think he minds this at all, but he does worry that Ash might be able to hear how loudly his heart is beating when he does this.)

Sing is there quite a lot, too - more often than any of them. He is there with Yau Si alone, a lot, which Eiji noticed made Ash give them many suspicious glances.

Once, Ash had asked Shorter, “Do you think there’s something going on between Sing and that whore Yut Lung?”

Shorter had laughed _very_ hard at this, and the more he laughed, the angrier Ash seemed to be getting. A moment before Eiji thought something bad might happen, Shorter had said, “Dude, they’re _dating_. They have been, for like, _months_.”

Ash had inhaled very quickly and then started to choke.

Eiji had patted his back, and Shorter started to laugh again. “Pretty shocking that those dumbasses figured it out before you guys, huh?”

Ash had coughed harder, and Eiji had felt his face flame.

Things are okay, Eiji thinks.

They are doing okay.

 

❀

 

Eiji’s skin is still a little bit damp. His shirt is sticking uncomfortably to his chest, and his neck feels a little bit too slippery.

Shorter notices his fidgeting as they walk down the hall to the front door of Yau Si’s apartment. “Don’t worry about it. Maybe Yue will have something for you to change into, or let you use his shower. Do you really wanna go all the way back to the dorms and use the communal showers?”

Eiji wrinkles his nose and shakes his head.

Shorter grins. “Yeah, that’s the spirit. I’m sure Ash’ll think it’s hot, anyway.”

Eiji feels his cheeks heat up. “Haha. Stop saying these things, Shorter.”

“I’m only telling you what you need to hear, man. Gotta give one of you a kick in the ass for something to happen, and anything I say to Ash will only get _me_ a kick in _my_ ass.”

Eiji frowns as Shorter knocks on the door. This is not the first time Shorter had said these kinds of things, but it’s the first time he has ever wondered about Shorter saying the same things to Ash. He wonders if Ash goes as red as he does.

(Ash is very pale - he probably goes even redder.)

Yau Si opens the door, and it takes him less than a second for him to look them up and down and curl his lip. “Ew. Did you just come back from a run? You two smell like shit. Go take a shower and then you can join us.”

He steps to the side to let them in, and Eiji and Shorter walk into the living room, where Sing and Ash are already splayed across the couches.

“Shorter! Eiji! Ash got you guys drinks!” Sing calls from by the window, where he seems like he is being swallowed by the beanbag.

“He did?” Shorter’s face lights up, and Ash lifts his head from the couch.

“Sure. Got you a beer, Shorter. I figured Coke was enough for you, Eiji,” Ash says, glancing over at Eiji, and there is a smile playing on his lips.

Eiji sticks his tongue out, even though he thinks he’s just a little bit thankful - there is something very unappealing about the taste of alcohol.

“My man,” Shorter says. “Toss it.”

“Oh no, you don’t,” Yau Si interjects. “Don’t give him the beer - they need to shower first. Do you see them? They look disgusting, and they smell even worse. You just haven’t gotten close enough, yet.” Yau Si’s face twists.

“Thank you, Yau Si,” mutters Eiji darkly.

“I think Eiji looks fine. What’s wrong with him?” Ash protests.

Eiji hears Shorter cough, and Yau Si rolls his eyes. “Of course you do. I happen to disagree, and since we’re in _my_ apartment, I won’t have them making this whole place smell like a fucking barn.” He turns away from Ash, (who, Eiji notices, is mouthing the words _of course you do?_ with furrowed brows) and then addresses him and Shorter. “Go grab towels and clothes from my closet. Don’t take any of the nice stuff - though you’re both too fat to be able to fit into any of it, anyway. Now go take your showers.”

“Yes, sir!” Shorter salutes, and walks a few steps down the hall before turning around. “Aren’t you joining me, Eiji? We can ‘save water’,” Shorter says with a wink, putting air-quotes around the words _save water_.

Ash throws his beer can at the back of Shorter’s head. 

“Ow, fuck! Jesus Christ, it was a joke! Please, have mercy,” Shorter pleads, and Eiji laughs.

“Dumbass,” Sing says to Ash.

“Ow! Mother _fucker!_ You bitch!” Eiji hears Sing shout, and he smiles.

A few minutes later, Eiji emerges from the shower in a cloud of steam, and a sweater that Eiji really thought was going to be a bit big on him, but he thinks that he might have overestimated, because Yau Si’s body is much more petite than his. However, the sweater clings to him almost inappropriately, and he only feels a little bit more comfortable than he had before, in his sweat-soaked tank top and too-hot skin.

The jeans are even worse - he feels like if he moves just an inch too far he will rip the seams, because his thighs are much too thick for them. He tries to make his way over to the couch in the living room anyway, because he cannot just stand there, waiting for the jeans to feel looser.

(Which does not seem like it will be happening any time soon - Eiji thinks one of the seams might have burst already.)

“She is so cute, holy shit. Like, so small, though. I’m so scared of holding her cause I’m afraid I’ll, like, drop her, or some shit. I honestly don’t even give a fuck that I had to do all that extra shit for the restaurant, because she is such a cute kid, but Nadia says she is a fucking _handful_. Man, I would suck at taking care of children. Imagine how much work - ”

“Do you ever stop talking? Christ, there’s barely any room for anyone to get a word in edgewise,” Yau Si interrupts, and although Eiji knows he is just teasing, he notices Ash narrowing his eyes, and he doesn’t really want them to get into a fight again.

He squeezes into the couch next to Ash, hoping that maybe if he distracts him for long enough, he’ll forget about it.

He does. In fact, Ash goes very quiet for a while, and Eiji tries to listen to Shorter and Yau Si’s strange, ping-ponging conversation. It isn’t long before he realises that he has given up entirely, and he, a little shame-faced, thinks that this might be because the entire side of Ash’s body is pressed against his. It’s tingling, Eiji notices, and maybe it’s just him, but Ash feels very, very warm.

He feels like he is frozen, and maybe time has frozen too, because Shorter’s words have slowed down in his mind and it feels like it is taking longer than usual for him to blink, and then Ash is whispering in his ear.

“I really didn’t mind you looking the way you did earlier,” he says, and his gaze is very intense, and very, very green.

Eiji’s ears redden, but he tries for a grin. “You’re so funny, Ash.”

Ash is silent, and Eiji shifts uncomfortably.

He was making a joke, Eiji thinks. Ash doesn’t feel that way for him - but he wishes Ash would stop saying things like these, because they’re making him very confused.

“Hey, can you stop yelling at me and yell at those two dumbasses?” Shorter shouts at Yau Si, gesturing towards Ash and Eiji.

“Oh, what have you two done now? I swear, you two are so fucking dense…” Yau Si starts.

Eiji closes his eyes and tries to drown out the sound of Yau Si’s voice.

 

❀

 

It’s dark, Eiji thinks, but it isn’t dark enough.

Orange lights stretch from beneath their blinds and wash the ceiling for a moment, before they disappear again, only to be replaced by more, a little bit like sunlight but not enough. Like an afterimage of the sun.

It’s late, but Eiji can’t fall asleep. When he tries to close his eyes, he just sees Ash, and Ash is too pretty to fall asleep to. So he keeps his eyes open, glued to the ceiling.

Or he tries. Ash is only a few feet away, and it is very hard to keep himself from rolling over and looking as much as he would like. He thinks it might be a little strange to stare at someone while they are asleep. Like he is breaking something. It isn’t allowed, he thinks, but it is.

But it isn’t.

Ash is snoring softly, and Eiji has never told him that he snores, because he knows Ash would get embarrassed, and he already gets embarrassed a lot already. Perhaps he’ll save Ash’s blush for another time. When he needs it.

He misses the dip in between the end and the beginning, he misses the sticky, sugar-glazed honey-shattered summer of 1986, where everything broken was being repaired, and everything beyond repair was buried to rest.

Some selfish, rotting part of him misses the summer when Ash was still so broken he couldn’t live without Eiji.

He misses when Ash would crawl into his bed and burrow beneath his blankets and ask Eiji if he would please hold him, and he misses when he would wrap his arms around Ash and his fingers would brush his cheeks and they came away dripping with Ash’s tears. He misses it, because even though it made his soul hurt to see Ash this way, he had never felt closer to him.

He had never felt more needed.

He felt like he was putting the pieces back together, from lonely nights on their balcony to holding Ash’s hand on their living room couch, from the smell of Ash’s hair to the feeling of his heart racing underneath Eiji’s palm.

He misses feeling something there, like Ash wanted him there to hold him, to help him. Like he needed him to.

Like Ash wanted him.

Because now that there are fewer pieces to put together, it doesn’t feel like that very much anymore.

His cheeks will still turn red when Eiji gets a little bit too close, but Eiji doesn’t hold his hand anymore. He doesn’t like to let Eiji hold him anymore.

They haven’t shared the same bed since 1986.

He doesn’t think Ash needs him anymore, and Eiji has never been more scared of anything in his life.

He’s selfish, so selfish, because Ash only wants him when he’s broken, and he wants Ash to want him again. He wants Ash to be broken again. He wants Ash to need him again, and he feels very dark when he does.

He doesn’t like the way Ash treats him, sometimes. It makes his head spin and he thinks about everything just a little bit too much. He doesn’t like the way Ash leans too close on purpose, and he doesn’t like the smile on his face when he does. He doesn’t like the way it makes his heart beat too hard, and he doesn’t like the way Ash teases.

He doesn’t like the way it makes him hope, and he doesn’t like the way that Ash closes off when Eiji says or does anything that seems like more than teasing. He doesn’t like the way he pulls away when Eiji brushes his fingers. He doesn’t like the way his heart feels like it’s being pulled on strings.

Like a puppet. A marionette.

He loves Ash, but he doesn’t love the way that Ash makes him feel, sometimes.

 

❀

 

Shorter has dyed his hair pink.

This is the first thing Eiji notices when he walks into the café. It looks mostly the same as before, still styled in a mohawk, but the sides are bleached white, this time, and the pink hair looks lighter, and softer. It goes very well with his tanned skin, Eiji thinks.

He sits down across from Eiji in the café. Ash isn’t with them today, because he is tutoring, and Eiji smiles at the thought of Ash getting frustrated at children who will never be as smart as he is.

“I’m gonna be honest with you, man. I planned this so that Ash wouldn’t be able to make it. I don’t want him here right now,” Shorter says, looking very intensely at Eiji.

Eiji suddenly feels nervous, and a little bit confused. Why isn’t Ash supposed to be here? Is something wrong? Did he do something?

“I gotta tell you something, and I don’t think he’d be all too happy if he heard it, too. I swear, that son of a bitch won’t listen to anything I say to him,” Shorter continues with a small frown.

Eiji’s heart starts to thunder in his chest, and he really doesn’t know why it is, because he doesn’t even know what he is going to say.

“What is it?” Eiji asks, and his heart thunders louder.

“Listen to me, Eiji. I am fucking _begging_ you to do something about Ash. Watching you two makes me want to claw my fucking eyes out, and I’m pretty sure Yue might shoot up the school if you two keep going like this.” Shorter sounds awfully sincere, but Eiji thinks he is probably still joking. This is just another one of his jokes about Eiji and Ash being in love with each other, and Eiji thinks they are getting a little old, by now, but he supposes he can go along with it this time.

“What do you mean, do something about Ash? Is he behaving badly?” Eiji asks, faux-innocent, and Shorter’s nostrils flare.

“You’re fucking with me, right? Don’t fuck with me. You know what the fuck I’m talking about. I _know_ you do. Oh my god, Eiji. I’m not joking right now, okay? I’m being a hundred percent serious with you right now. Not even trying to shit on Ash right now, but _fuck_ , that bitch is the biggest pussy I have ever met. No one even fucking realises it! He never has the fucking courage to take something that he wants for himself, and I’m telling you right now that I’m sorry, but you’re gonna have to make the first move.”

Eiji’s head is spinning very, very fast. He isn’t really processing what Shorter is saying, he doesn’t think, because he looks very serious, but he also cannot possibly be serious. He isn’t really sure how he is supposed to respond, so all he says is, “What?”

“Come on, Eiji. Ash is all talk and no action. He’ll flirt with you to no end but have you noticed he’s always a little bitch when it comes to actually doing something about it? Please, I’m begging you - you have to do something. Tell him you love him, kiss him, fuck him, whatever.” He’s starting to build steam, and his words sound more earnest the longer he goes on for. “Just, please. I can’t keep watching you two dance around each other in the worst, clumsiest way possible. You’re fucking barbarians. You’re not even subtle about it! Jesus Christ, just. Do something. Please, for the sake of all of our fucking sanity,” Shorter says, and then he gulps in air, clearly winded.

Eiji’s face is pink, his ears are red, and he feels like his cheeks might catch on fire if they burn a little bit hotter. _Not even subtle?_ he thinks, miserably. He’s always been very affectionate with Ash, he thinks, and yes, he does know that Shorter, Sing, and Yau Si always make jokes about “Eiji and Ash”, but he has never really thought they were being serious. They were jokes, he thinks, but he's beginning to realise that they were not joking as much as he thought they were.

They know how he feels about Ash, then. And maybe… and maybe they know how Ash feels, as well.

“I do not… I do not really know what to say.” Eiji shifts uncomfortably. “I do not know if you are right about the way Ash feels for me, but whenever I say something seriously about our, our relationship, then he just, ah, how do you say… closes down. He does not want to go further than saying funny things to me, and, ah… that is okay with me.” Eiji feels something downcast weighing on his chest, and his throat feels thick, clogged with something sour. He’s a liar, he thinks, because it is not okay with him at all, but he doesn’t think he deserves to say that out loud.

“Bullshit. It’s not okay with you at all, and honestly, I doubt it’s okay with Ash, either. I’m telling you, he just doesn’t know how to make a move. You probably already knew this, but mans has got some serious insecurity issues. Just, just kiss him or whatever the fuck. I promise, he isn’t going to, uh, ‘close down’ if you do.”

“Shorter, I do not think I have the confidence to kiss him. I am not very sure of how he even feels about me, and I think that if he pushed me away if I tried, I would be broken,” Eiji says quietly, and he feels so vulnerable, like he is taking his heart out of his chest and showing it to Shorter.

Shorter’s voice goes a little quiet, too, and he says, “Eiji, I’m being so genuine right now. I promise you, he wouldn’t. Or, he might, but like, just ‘cause he’s a dumbass and he might panic. But I promise you, he feels the same as you do. Just, just consider it, please? You guys have had feelings for each other for like, so long.”

“I, ah... I guess I will think about it. But I am really not sure.”

“Fuck yeah. Think about it real hard. But not too hard. Don’t talk yourself out of it. But, you know. I support you no matter what.” Shorter smiles, and the seriousness of the conversation lifts.

Maybe Eiji feels a little bit exposed, but maybe he also feels just a little bit lighter.

 

❀

 

It isn’t dark at all, now.

It’s late, but he hasn’t gone back into the dorm yet. He has had a lot of work, hasn’t he? He’s stayed outside the dorm room for a few hours now, studying.

Except he doesn’t normally study outside of the dorm room, and he hasn’t turned the page in his textbook a single time since he got back from the café, and also it’s 3 o’clock in the morning and he hasn’t stepped foot in the dormitory.

The hallways are bright, and the night isn’t. But he only sees the lights, and he thinks that the strange artificial lights have been burned behind his eyelids, and his legs are starting to fall asleep. The sliver of light that had been peeking out from underneath the door to their dorm had disappeared half an hour ago, but Eiji wanted to stay out for a little bit longer, just to be safe.

His eyes are beginning to close, and his limbs are starting to feel heavy, so he stands up, hoping that Ash is asleep. He quietly unlocks the door and twists the handle, his footsteps light as he slips off his shoes and dances carefully along the edge of the rug. Silently, he gets ready for bed, keeping the lights shut off as he eases out of the dorm room again to take a shower and brush his teeth, and then eases back in and slides into bed.

Outside in the hall, time had passed slower than he wanted it to - his eyes were so heavy and his mind felt a little bit like gelatin. Now, it passes even slower, but he is warm in his bed and his eyes are wide open. It is too quiet here, he thinks, and the sound of Ash’s breathing is normally something that makes him feel comforted, but now he just feels very uneasy.

It’s very dark in here, he thinks, and he doesn’t like that at all.

“Are you going to tell me where you’ve been all night?”

Startled, Eiji gasps sharply and shoots up in bed, heart racing.

“Ah… Ash, I did not know you were still awake.” Eiji can hear the discomfort in his voice, and he cringes. He runs a hand through his hair, and he feels his cheeks starting to burn.

Again.

“Yeah, well. I am. Are you going to tell me why you came back so late?” Ash sounds angry, but calm and controlled. This is the worst type of anger, Eiji knows, because it seems like things might be okay for a little bit, but when he sounds like this, Eiji knows Ash is feeling very, very hurt.

Eiji never wants to hurt him.

“I was studying,” Eiji says, which is a lie, and Eiji knows Ash is most certainly not stupid enough to believe it.

“Try again,” Ash says, and suddenly Eiji is glad it is so dark, because he is scared of what he would find if he could see Ash’s face.

Eiji is quiet for a moment, and then he says, “I was thinking.”

Eiji hears Ash take a breath. “Why couldn’t you do that in here?”

“I wanted to be by myself.”

There’s a silence from the other side of the room, and Eiji can taste the fear sparking in his veins.

“Can you at least tell me what you were thinking about?” Ash’s voice is soft, tentative.

“Do you really want to know what I was thinking about?” Eiji asks, and the fear in his veins turns white hot.

There is a pause, and then Ash says, “I don’t know.” Another pause. “I think so.”

“I was thinking about you,” Eiji whispers, but he knows Ash can hear him anyway, and that’s what sets his fear on fire.

Eiji hears Ash swallow. “What about me?”

“You and me,” Eiji says, and he feels his throat swell.

Eiji hears a sharp breath. “Why?”

“Because I am afraid. And I wanted to be less afraid,” Eiji says.

“I’m afraid, too,” Ash whispers, and it sounds like his voice is thick with the same fear Eiji feels.

“I know,” Eiji says, and then he slides out of his bed and sits down on Ash’s.

“What are you doing?” Ash is sitting up now, and his arms are laid at his sides.

“I don’t want you to be afraid anymore,” Eiji says, and then he pulls Ash close.

Ash settles his head on Eiji’s shoulder, and Eiji thinks he smells like summer, like sweet drinks and the faint smell of cologne and sweat. He can feel their hearts beating together, but this feels exactly like it should, he thinks, a little bit of melancholy mixed in with the saccharine smell of nostalgia and a dash of heartache.

“Tell me what you are afraid of,” Eiji says softly.

“I’m afraid of losing you,” Ash says. “I’m afraid if I come too close you’ll leave me.”

“You will never lose me, Ash. I said forever, right?”

“No one ever means forever,” Ash says. “I didn’t want to let myself hope that you did.”

“I will always mean it. Or until you don’t want me to, anymore,” Eiji says.

“I always want you to mean it,” Ash whispers.

"Always," Eiji echoes, and he wraps his arms tighter around him, feeling their hearts slow down and beat together.

 

❀

 

The sun is setting.

Ash is curled into the red loveseat, red Converse still infuriatingly pressed into the cushions and a mustard-covered book in his hand. Eiji is still sitting cross-legged on his comforter, and he likes the way the fabric folds underneath his weight.

Eiji would not say Ash’s face always looks like it does now - like he’s smug about something, but Eiji has been seeing the same twist of his lips far too many times now, and he’s getting a little tired of it.

He’s just a little bit tired of the way that Ash always presses his dirty shoes on their nice red chair, and he’s just a little bit tired of the way that Ash has a habit of burying his nose in his books when he’s embarrassed so that he doesn’t actually have to face the situation, and he’s just a little bit tired of the way that every time Eiji feels like they might actually be getting somewhere, Ash pulls away and Eiji is left wondering if they went anywhere at all.

Eiji thinks that Ash has taken a few too many turns in this strange game that they’re playing, and maybe it’s time for Eiji to take one of his own.

Eiji’s white comforter turns a gentle orange, a taste of tangerine from a sky on fire, and Ash’s cheeks are pinker than the clouds. They look just as soft, too, and Eiji wants to touch them.

So Eiji walks over to Ash and touches them, his thumb brushing across the delicate peach spilled across his cheeks, and the peach turns to a gaudy rose. Eiji feels a smile edging its way onto his face, but he forces himself to turn it into something with a dash of arrogance and a touch of teasing, just so he can see the violent red that stains Ash’s whole face.

Eiji isn’t very sure of what he is reading about, but he has a feeling that Ash doesn’t, either. Eiji is leaned over the loveseat, and he thinks that Ash looking up at him like this, blond locks floating around his pink-tinged face, makes him look so, so pretty.

Ash closes his eyes and leans into Eiji’s hand, which is cupped around Ash’s face, just for a moment, and then he opens them again.

“What… what are you doing?” Ash asks softly.

Eiji smiles a little wider and leans in closer. Their noses bump, but their lips haven’t touched, not yet. Eiji takes his hand away from Ash’s face and tangles it in his hair, pulling it away from his face. He turns his head a bit, and it almost seems like there isn’t enough air between them - Eiji doesn’t think he’s imagining their quickening breaths. Eiji’s lips brush the shell of Ash’s ear, and he whispers, “Your hair…”

Ash turns his head so that his lips are right beneath Eiji’s, and Eiji’s smile grows even wider.

“What about my hair?” Ash says, almost drowsily, and his eyelids flutter shut.

Eiji leans so close that their lips are brushing. He sighs, almost letting himself go for a moment, but then whispers, “Your hair is so…” and then pulls back, tugging the strands of hair through his fingers. “So long. When is the last time you have gotten a haircut?”

By the time Ash blinks and realises that Eiji isn’t actually going to kiss him, Eiji has leaned back and really isn’t anywhere near his lips anymore. He creases his eyebrows together, and Eiji tries to hide his grin.

Ash’s cheeks are so red they are almost glowing, now. He huffs, and he tosses the book to the ground so he can cross his arms. Eiji snorts, and when he turns to walk back to his bed, he feels a tug on his shirt.

When he turns back around, Ash is still frowning, but he says, “Last winter.”

“Huh?”

“Last February. That was when I last got a haircut,” Ash says.

“Ah… is it true? It is only March, now… we have barely even started spring. You are saying you had a haircut last month?” Eiji frowns in confusion, because Ash’s fringe is coming down to his chin, and that does not look like hair that has been cut only one month ago.

“Yeah. Only the back, though. I don’t fuck with mullets.”

“Tch! Cut all of your hair. It is too long.”

“I never knew you had such a problem with it,” Ash says, and then he smiles in a way that almost makes Eiji feel a little afraid. “In fact, I thought you might even like it.”

“I guess you are wrong,” Eiji says, much more confidently than he is feeling right now.

Ash raises an eyebrow. “If you hate it so much, why don’t you cut it for me?”

Eiji swallows. He hasn’t ever cut anyone’s hair before, and a sinking part of him knows that if he dared to touch Ash’s, he would ruin it.

But he says, “If you really want me to,” because he doesn’t like to say no to a challenge.

When Ash nods, his heart drops. “Then let’s go to the bathroom and wet your hair. I am not cutting your hair over our carpet.”

Eiji grabs a pair of scissors and a towel on their way out, wincing at the thought of cutting Ash’s shimmering hair with a pair of school scissors, but he really wasn’t expecting to be cutting anyone’s hair at college, so this is all he has.

As soon as they step foot in the bathrooms, Ash turns around and closes the door, turning the lock so that no one else can get in. Eiji is very afraid now, because locking the door is against the rules - this is a communal bathroom, and if the door is locked then no one else can get in.

The left side of the bathroom is lined with sinks and a long mirror, while the right has stalls of showers and toilets. Ash, to Eiji’s horror, immediately tears off his shirt and walks into one of the shower stalls. Eiji lets out a sigh of relief when he realises Ash is not planning to take off the rest of his clothes, but is only wetting his hair.

Like Eiji asked him to do.

When Ash comes out of the shower stall, his hair is sticking to his face and neck and there are drops of water splashed across his shoulders. He also still does not have his shirt on, and that is really not helping Eiji concentrate.

His hair is not as shiny anymore, but now his skin is almost sparkling, and Eiji has to remind himself that he is here to cut Ash’s hair, and that is all he is here for.

“Okay, now sit on the sink with your back facing me,” Eiji instructs, and when Ash does what he’s told, he drapes the towel around Ash’s shoulders, so that whatever hair he cuts won’t stick to his skin. After he does this, he steps back and takes a moment to look at him, even though he knows Ash is watching him from the bathroom mirror.

This time, though, he is not trying to stare at Ash. Something is wrong, he thinks, he just is not sure what exactly it is.

“Your jeans,” Eiji says, and Ash turns around.

“What?”

“Take off your jeans,” Eiji says, and immediately feels his cheeks light on fire.

Ash looks taken aback for a moment, but recovers quickly. “All you had to do was ask,” he says with a wink.

Eiji hides his face in his hands, feeling the heat from his cheeks, but through his fingers he sees Ash jumping off of the sink and unbuttoning his jeans.

“Ah… I only said that because I don’t want you to get any hair on your clothes,” Eiji tries, and it’s true, that is the reason why he asked, but he knows by now that the situation is a little bit beyond saving.

“Sure, darling,” Ash says, peeling his jeans off and hopping back onto the sink. Eiji puts the towel back over Ash’s shoulders, and then he takes a lock of Ash’s hair in his hands. It’s very long, he thinks, but he also doesn’t hate it at all. He lets it slip back through his fingers with a sigh.

It’s actually very nice, he thinks, and he doesn’t want to cut it, not even a little bit, but he has come this far and now he feels like he doesn’t really have any choice.

“Turn your head to look at me,” Eiji orders.

When Ash does, it feels like before, when Ash was looking up at him on the loveseat, and when Eiji takes some of his hair away from his face, he realises that Ash is staring at him, but very, very intensely. Like he is trying to find something in Eiji’s face.

Eiji leans in closer, bringing the scissors up to the hair he has in his hand, and then before he can blink, Ash has knocked the scissors out of his hand and, with his hands on the back of Eiji’s neck, kisses him hard. Or, at first he does, because then the kiss melts into something softer, and Eiji can feel himself getting lost in it, in the curve of Ash’s lips and the warmth of his hands on the nape of his neck, and all Eiji feels is sweetness and relief.

Colors, Eiji knows, don’t have tastes, but Eiji thinks Ash tastes like bright yellow sunshine, like warm shades of red and orange, a dizzying mix of swirling colors in his mind and on his tongue and it’s almost too sweet.

Eiji is starting to feel a little lightheaded, and then Ash pulls away. He is looking a bit dazed, too.

“I don’t… I don’t want you to cut my hair,” Ash says softly. “And I don’t really think you wanna cut it, either.”

Eiji nods, smiling a little, and pulls the towel off Ash’s shoulders. They walk back to the dorm together, their fingers brushing.

When Eiji goes to sleep that night, he buries his head in his pillow and lets himself think about Ash.

 

❀

 

It’s midday.

It’s been a few days since Ash kissed Eiji, and nothing else has happened yet. Or, not really. Eiji has noticed that he feels a little closer to Ash, now, like the distance that he might have been feeling before is starting to go away, slowly.

With every touch of their fingers, every time they lock eyes, Eiji feels like something is breaking. Something that needs to break, perhaps. Crumbling softly, like they’re chipping away at the cement around their hearts.

They’re laying on Eiji’s bed together, and there are books scattered across his comforter and the faint sounds of a lilting voice from the stereo in the corner of their room. Eiji has a twin bed, and the bed is just a little too small for the two of them, but they’re still laying comfortably together, and neither of them has said anything about how small the bed is.

Eiji certainly doesn’t plan on it, because it’s nice to be this close to Ash, to be able to move just a fraction and feel their shoulders bump together. It all feels so real, he thinks, and he likes that a lot.

They’re studying. Or, they’re supposed to be. Eiji finds that it’s hard to focus, and they both know that there isn’t really anything very important that they need to be working on.

Ash is using one hand to flip through the pages of his book, and he’s turning them much too fast for Eiji to believe he is actually reading it, 180 IQ or no. His free hand taps against the bed, fingers dancing along the folds of the fabric, and Eiji’s hand is conveniently also free, and just a few inches away from Ash’s.

Eiji takes Ash’s hand, feeling pink rise on his cheeks, and tangles their fingers together. Eiji avoids Ash’s gaze for a moment, but after a breath he looks up, and then he thinks that the color in Ash’s eyes is his favorite, because it feels so _alive_ , and Eiji feels like he could dance inside the wide black ring of his pupils.

Ash squeezes his hand, and he smiles slowly. Eiji feels dizzy with sensation, and when he feels his cheeks start to hurt, he realises he’s smiling twice as wide.

The silence is perfect, Eiji thinks, and it’s warm, the type of warm that the sun wishes it could be, one that makes his head feel fuzzy and his skin feel tingly.

He loves the silence, but he thinks he needs to break it.

“Ash, you are so important to me,” he says, softer than the skin on the back of Ash’s hand, softer than the sunlight streaming onto their carpet.

Ash seems to round, a bit, at those words, and everything sharp on his face turns to circles and curves; even his hand seems to melt into the dips and lines of Eiji’s.

“I hope you know that you’re a lot more to me than a kiss on our communal bathroom sink,” Ash says, tilting his head, a slight grin on his face.

Eiji is grinning, too. “I know.”

Ash lowers his head. “You’re more than I deserve.”

Eiji’s heart sinks gently down, spinning in his ribcage. “That is a wrong way to think. Have you ever thought that maybe I am here because this is where we are meant to be? Have you ever thought that maybe I am exactly what you deserve? That you are exactly what _I_ deserve?” Eiji pauses, taking a deep breath. “I could never ask for more than I already have. How can I ask for more when you are everything I want?”

Ash’s eyes shine, and Eiji brushes his thumb beneath Ash’s eye, feeling a tear delicately stain his skin.

“Fuck, I love you so much,” Ash says, his voice cracking.

“I love you, too,” Eiji whispers, and holds Ash’s hand tighter.

The air feels heavier, a strange type of warm, but also lighter at the same time. They bask in it for a few slow heartbeats, and then Ash says, quietly, “Can we try again?”

“Try what again?”

Ash takes a deep breath. “Can I try and kiss you again?”

When Eiji says, “Yes,” Ash gently takes Eiji’s face in his hands and kisses him softly, he kisses him like velvet in your hands and rain in the summertime, he kisses him like love in spring and he kisses him like he’s never loved anyone before now. He kisses him like snowflakes on tongues and he kisses him so delicately he feels like art.

Their lips slide together perfectly, and the air feels so light Eiji wonders if they could float if they loved each other for long enough.

Until the end of time, he thinks. That’s how long he will love Ash. If he could, he would stop all the clocks, just so he could love Ash for a little bit longer.

Not everything is perfect, Eiji thinks, but it’s very, very close.

 

❀

 

A week later, they’re gathered together in Yau Si’s apartment again, scattered throughout the living room but still near enough. Ash is curled against Eiji’s chest, and if Eiji tilts his head a little bit, he can smell Ash’s apple-scented shampoo.

Eiji has noticed Sing, Yau Si, and Shorter all staring at them a little strangely, which makes his chest feel a little warm, for some strange reason, but that also might just be the weight of Ash’s head.

They haven’t told anyone, yet. Eiji is not exactly sure what there is to tell, since it is very clear to him that everyone already knows, mostly, so Eiji wonders what else there is to say. What could he say? Ash and I have talked about our feelings? Ash and I are … dating?

Are they? Eiji doesn’t quite know. All he knows is that they are so very in love, and he thinks that is more than enough for now.

“I have an announcement to make,” Yau Si says, snapping his fingers to get their attention, like they would not hear him if he didn’t snap his fingers.

Sing rolls his eyes, but his face is very fond as Yau Si stands up from the chair he shared with Sing and smooths the too-large shirt he is wearing (Eiji is sure that it belongs to Sing).

“So I’ve decided to drop the whole ‘business major’ idea,” Yau Si begins, and this catches everyone but Sing off-guard.

“But like … why though?” Shorter asks, frowning.

Yau Si tilts his chin. “I just think business is a waste of time.”

“Why do you say that?” Ash asks, and his voice is a little quieter than Eiji is used to. His tone is soft, too, which is unusual when Ash is talking to Yau Si.

Yau Si sniffs disdainfully. “Business is for greedy, power-hungry bastards who’ll do anything for a fuck and big bucks. As for me, I’ve got no use for power and more than enough money. And I don’t need to do anything for a fuck. I’ve already got Sing, and I don’t even have to pay him.” Yau Si says, patting Sing’s hand and smiling at him in a way that Eiji really does not wish to ever see again, and Sing flushes red.

“Jesus,” Ash grumbles, and buries his face in Eiji’s chest.

“I second that,” Shorter says, his face twisting. “I was supporting you until you said that shit.”

“Sorry about that,” Yau Si says, not looking sorry at all. “Anyway, my point is that I’ve decided to focus on art, now.”

“Oh! That is wonderful, Yau Si! I am sure you are a very good artist. I am surprised you have not done this sooner, actually - you look like someone who would enjoy it very much,” Eiji enthuses.

“Really?” Yau Si asks, and there is a little bit of pink on his cheeks, now.

“Really,” Eiji says. “Will you show us some of your art? What kind of art do you do, Yau Si?”

“Oh, well. I dabble. Some paintings and watercolors, some, like, small clay things. A lot of sketching. I tried oil pastel, but I don’t like the way it feels in my hand. It’s just so messy and the texture makes me feel a little gross. But I mean, I can show you if you really want to see some,” Yau Si says, and it all comes out in a rush, like he is nervous.

“You’re quite the shy one all of a sudden,” Ash says, smirking.

“Shut up,” Yau Si says, but it sounds very half-hearted.

“He’s just worried you guys will make fun of him. So how about we don’t do that. His art is incredible, anyway. It’s not like you guys will even have anything to make fun of,” Sing says, and Eiji can hear the pride (and hint of threatening) in his voice.

Yau Si blushes harder. “Flattery will get you nowhere.”

Sing grins. “It got me a boyfriend.”  

“You flirt. We have company,” he says with a wink.

Sing opens his mouth to say something, but is interrupted by Shorter (very loudly) pretending to vomit on the floor.

“You guys aren’t even _trying_ to keep it in your pants,” Ash complains.

“Shut up, white boy. You and Eiji are even worse,” Yau Si says, and Eiji tries to hide his smile.

“Well...” Sing says, eyebrows raised.

“Be quiet, Sing. You’re supposed to be on my side,” Yau Si hisses.

“Sorry, darling. We are most certainly not as bad as Ash and Eiji,” Sing says.

“Much better. Anyway, all my stuff is in this room,” Yau Si says, guiding them towards his study, which they normally don’t go in, because there really isn’t any reason to.

What hits Eiji first is the smell. It’s sharp, and bitter, like they’ve just stepped into a tube of acrylic paint, and it makes him wrinkle his nose.

It seems that the smell is what hits everyone else, too.

“Dear fucking god. It smells like absolute ass in here,” Shorter grouses.

Yau Si sighs. “I know. You have to make sacrifices for art.”

“Wise words,” Ash snorts.

The second thing that hits Eiji is how messy every part of the room is. There is paint splattered across the desk in the corner of the room, and it’s stacked high with blank canvases, loose sheets of paper, pencils, eraser dust, and paintbrushes, some of which have rolled onto the floor. There are paintings on the floor leaned up against the wall, and the floor is covered with some black sort of covering, and Eiji thinks it is probably to stop the carpets from getting messy, too. There are shelves lining the wall full of glazed sculptures and miniature canvases, and a large (also paint-covered) drawer in another corner.

It is very different from the rest of his apartment, where everything is neat and orderly and shiny. Yau Si likes things to be tidy, he thinks, and it is strange to see a room that so clearly does not fit.

The last thing he realises is that the paintings, the ones propped up against the walls, the sculptures on the shelves - they are beautiful.

The paintings are so dark, mirages of swirling violet and deep cobalt against impossibly black backgrounds, splashes of red and delicate lines in maroon, and there is something about these paintings that hurts Eiji in a way he cannot begin to explain. There are bright ones, too, and those ones hurt the most, like the swirling yellow and circles of white, lined with scarlet and shadowed by shades of lavender, are sentient, like they could reach down his throat at any moment and rip his heart out.

They are terrifyingly beautiful.

He turns to look at Ash, but before Eiji can catch a glimpse of his face, he ducks his head.

“Ash?” Eiji says softly.

“‘M fine,” Ash says, still not looking at Eiji.

Through a lock of blond hair, Eiji can see something shining on his cheeks that isn’t his hair, and Eiji takes Ash’s hands in his.

“You will be, Ash,” Eiji says.

He turns to Yau Si, Ash’s hands still in his. “Yau Si, these are so beautiful. They make me feel so many things. You should be proud of yourself,” Eiji says with a smile.

“Seriously, man - this shit is incredible. Fuck business. You know what’s up with art,” Shorter chimes in.

Yau Si smiles, big and bright, and it fills the whole room. “Thank you. Thank you guys so much - that means so much.”

Ash looks up, and his cheeks are a bit splotchy. “You did good. Thanks for sharing.”

For a moment Yau Si’s smile turns into something different. A smile of compassion, Eiji thinks. It is a beautiful kind of smile.

Sing wraps his arm around Yau Si. “Told you there was nothing to worry about.”

Yut Lung kisses him, then, and it’s sweet, and they are both blushing like it’s the first time they have done this, and Eiji smiles.

He turns back to Ash, tangling their fingers together. Ash squeezes his hands.

Shorter elbows Ash. “Glad to see everyone in this room seems to be following their dreams.”

“Thanks,” Ash says with a grin, and Eiji thinks that he couldn’t be happier.  


**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos are so lovely !!! come talk to me on [tumblr](grey-x-green.tumblr.com) or [twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/grey_x_green) <3


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